Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Ever since I can remember I've always had very vivid dreams. Sometimes it's a good thing, but more often than not it's bad. It makes nightmares that much more intense or gives me this ridiculously weird jumbled up mess that's supposed to be a dream but just leaves me going "what the hell was that?" when I wake up.

Most of the time I can just shake my dreams off and go about my day, forgetting them an hour after I wake up. But every once in a while I get a dream that sticks with me for days, either because it was so disturbing or because it brings back memories I don't want anymore.

A few weeks ago I had a dream about someone I no longer talk to. Which, normally, that wouldn't bother me. I dream about people I have interacted with all the time, family, friends, people I work with, people I used to go to school with, every body does that. This time though, because the friendship/relationship didn't end well, it brought back all of the feelings and emotions I made myself forget.

When I managed to force myself out of the dream and wake up in the middle of the night I was filled with so much anger and hurt. Part of that was from the residual effects of the emotions the dream had stirred up. The other part though, was because I felt so betrayed by my own mind.

It has been almost a year since I finally came to terms with everything, since I made myself give up the hope that she and I could be friends. After working so hard to move on and suddenly having my mind betray me like that by bringing up those emotions and that tiny sliver of hope again, I can't help but be mad at myself.

Feeling like this makes me think of how an addict must feel when they're on the verge of a relapse. Like all of a sudden I've fallen off the wagon and everything, from NaNo to comics to movies and music, reminds me of her again. And every time I think about it the anger flares up and I just want to punch something. I mean, jesus fucking christ the last time I talked to her was over a year and a half ago and for good reason, but that stupid dream makes it feel like it was just yesterday. I hate it.

I can feel a sense of resignation has finally set it. Those feelings and memories aren't going anywhere anytime soon so I just have to cope until they fade again. Until then, I just keep reminding myself of the many reasons we're no longer friends.

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