Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Holiday Madness

The holidays are definitely in full swing, especially if you work in retail. I've had to throw in the towel with Nano, I wasn't expecting to work nearly as much as I have been so in the past week I've had zero time to write more than a paragraph or two at a time. Tomorrow I have to work past midnight to help the store get ready for black Friday. I'm finally starting to get a taste of what it's going to be like after Christmas and I'm starting to dread it.

Working at customer service I have to deal with people's issues which wasn't so bad when I started back in September but as the customers get more, shall I say, unique? Eccentric, maybe. I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind. Working out on the floor was so easy, I just had to help people find what they needed and I was done. Now I'm starting to think to myself, "really? I asked to move up to customer service???" Haha, and I'm sure the nice raise I got was a great incentive but some days it's just not worth it.

Oh well, it'll be a nice relief when things calm down after the holiday returns are done. So for now my posting is probably going to be a bit irregular depending on my work schedule and if I just crash on my days off to recuperate.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Harry Potter Tonight!

Update: Gah, I just got back from Harry Potter and if you didn't go see it tonight then you need to see it ASAP. No, seriously, go. Now. Drop what you're doing and enjoy 155 minutes of mind blowing awesomeness. God I loved that movie and I'm already excited/saddened for the second part next year. I'll elaborate more on that this weekend when I finally have a day off work, but take it from me, it's well worth the $8.50 (or more for IMAX).

The first half of the seventh Harry Potter movie starts tonight at midnight! I'm so excited. Harry Potter was such a big part of my child hood growing up, that whenever a new movie opens up it almost feels like an old friend I haven't seen in a very long time is in town. I'm proud to say I've seen every Harry Potter movie in theater. Yes, even the not so good ones. Still, I love it. It's a tradition I don't plan on breaking.

Literally, as I was writing this post I got a call from my friend who went to get our tickets at the theater saying we needed to get there early because the line was going to be ridiculous and I'm not the type to say no. I said "Heck yes! I'll be there whatever time you want to be there" because I'm not the type that wants to wait last minute, half the fun is standing in line hanging with your homies and waiting to get in.

For everyone going tonight, I hope you have a fun time. For everyone not going, I can't fault you it's going to be insane.

P.S. Just to show my nerd factor I'm totally wearing a Harry Potter shirt tonight that I got at TeeFury. Woot!

P.P.S. I almost forgot, check out this funny clip from MTV of the Harry Potter Cast trying to speak with an American accent.


Twilight blows, haha.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Cheese Ball

Every year around the holidays this church near my grandmother's work goes around selling cheese balls.

Let me tell you, it is fucking heaven in a plastic container. Grab a box of ritz crackers and you have cheesey, crunchy deliciousness. For those of you that have never had a cheese ball (the 12-year-old in me snickers every time I type that) it's made up of cream cheese, cheddar cheese, a teeny tiny bit of minced garlic and parsley, rolled in chopped pecans.

Whenever my grandmother comes home with one I just want to dive right in and never stop. Some people love chocolate or candy, I love cheese. So this is like crack to me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hilarious Websites

If you haven't already heard of it, you need to check out DamnYouAutoCorrect.com immediately. You will literally laugh your ass off. I first heard of the site thanks to Dorothy Snarker and at first I thought she was exaggerating at the hilariousness of that site.

I stand corrected. I was literally laughing so hard I was crying. So prepare yourself.

Another interesting site run by the same people who do Damn You Auto Correct is Epic WTFs. This site was okay, it had some interesting and disturbing stuff on there but I had nothing better to do when I stumbled upon this:

I immediately shouted "Oh my god I remember that guy!" at my computer. I also remember that Tiger made that incredibly long putt as well.

This picture was taken at the Buick Open the last year it was, well, open. With the way the automotive industry tanked Buick couldn't afford to renew their contract so it's no longer the Buick Open anymore.

My uncle managed to score two free tickets for him and I to go. It was the first time I had ever been to a golf tournament and it was surprisingly more fun than I thought it was going to be.

It's funny, the shit you can find on the internet.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Julia Nunes: So Good Live

I'm so glad I got to see Julia Nunes live. She's such a talented musician. It's literally just her and her ukulele/guitar on stage. That's it, no drums or back up vocals to cover up any mistakes, just her. And what's even better she acknowledged when she messed up on a song and played the wrong chords and ad lib'd lyrics about playing the right chords next time, so funny.

As promised I got a couple shots with my camera for you. Although, I almost didn't. I don't understand why people do it, but it happens every single time I go somewhere to take pictures. This 6ft+ giant thinks "hey, I'm going to step right in front of the 5'3'' girl who has a camera in her hand and is clearly trying to take a picture." Ugh, I just want to knee cap those people and be like "hah, what now bitch? How's it feel to be down on my level? Not so great when I stand in front of you now, is it?" Sigh, anywayyyyy, I'm done ranting. Here are the pictures.

I love this one, it looks like she's about to cut someone in the audience.

Sing it girl!

And just for fun...I couldn't resist taking this one when I saw what was going on.

That girl was knitting the entire concert. I didn't get it either. I elbowed my friend and pointed her out and she literally turned to me and went "Yes, that sounds like a great idea, I would love to go concert knitting with you." Good times.

Sadly, I couldn't get a picture with Julia Nunes. My friend that was with me had no idea how to use my camera and when I asked her to take one of me and Julia she gave me a look that said "if you hand me that camera I am not responsible for what comes out of it." Looking at the picture after, if I hadn't seen she didn't have a single drink all night, I would have thought she was drunk when she took it. It was literally just a blur of color, so all I could do was laugh.

Like I said the concert was great as expected. She played her original music along with a few covers. The song that got the most audience participation was "Build me up Buttercup". It was great when a group of people from the audience started harmonizing with her, but the best part was after the song when she was talking about how Buttercup was a total bitch and needed to be dumped immediately.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Julia Nunes

Tonight I'm going to see Julia Nunes LIVE! How effing cool is that? I'm so flipping excited. She was in Michigan while I was in Canada and I was so bummed I missed her. I mean it figures, the one freaking time I'm out of the country and she's here? Damn.

But a couple months ago I was cruising her website and happened to click on her tour dates, and there it was. I literally squealed like a little school girl, called up my friend and told my work "sorry homies, Julia's in town, I need the night off."

So, finally, tonight's the night. I called ahead to see if the place her and Ben Kweller (heh, his last name makes me think of that Buffy episode with the "queller" demon) are playing at would let me bring my camera in and they said Yes! So you can look forward to some pictures tomorrow.

And with that I will say "Peace out!" and leave you to enjoy this awesome video of hers.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Knee Scooter

Today, I was at a craft store trying to find something to create a portfolio for some of my photography that I've done. As I'm walking past aisles I see a lady in her early 60's with a broken leg pushing one of these:

My immediate reaction was to wonder to myself how fast she can get going with that thing and burst out laughing at the mental image of a bunch of old grannies racing them.

Sometimes I really do crack myself up.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Love You More Than All the Blog Posts In All the World!

I have a little cousin that's six and whenever she comes over we always hang out and have fun.

Clearly, loads of fun was had during that photo-thon.

She's always had this thing where whenever I say "I love you" to the little squirt she always goes "I love you more" and starts an "I love you" war. She always cracks me up with those and she has come up with some cute ones.

"I love you..."

"A thousand times around the earth."
"Longer than we could live combined."
"More than a whale can drink water."
"Bigger than the sky is blue."
"Bigger than the universe times a cajillion, million, thousand gajillion, KAH-ZILLION!"
"More than all the sand on earth. Even the ones at the bottom of lakes!"

But my all time favorite that she said today was...

"I love you more than how long a zombie could live!"

Ah, I've taught her well, zombies and all.

Fresh Ink: Blair Butler Awesomeness

As my friend put it, I'm a "closet geek". I wouldn't necessarily consider myself to be closeted about my geekiness, but she says it's because to look at me, no one would assume I'm a geek so unless I wore a sign that said so, that makes me closeted. I can find several flaws in her argument but for the sake of this post I'm not going to get into it.

One, and probably the biggest, contributing factor to my geekiness is the fact that I read a lot of comics. I love DC, I love Marvel, I love Image, I love it all. So imagine my reaction when I found out not only does G4 pay someone to review comics for their website and go to comic-cons, but it's also a girl, and an extremely cute one at that!

Blair Butler does the G4tv.com Fresh Ink video reviews of comics that come out every week. She also reviews must read Graphic Novels, as well as features guest hosts such as Gerard Way and posts interviews with comic book writers and artists. She's funny, she's smart, and she's easy on the eyes so if you read comics and haven't checked her out yet, then what are you hanging around here for?

I first started watching Blair's reviews a year ago and even though it took me 2 whole months to go through her back log of previous reviews, it was more than worth it. From her recommendation I found comics I never would have thought to read. Not only does she do a good job reviewing comics and steering watchers away from comics not worth the cover price, she does it without putting the creators of the comic down. As she put it, she sees comics as the creators baby and no one likes to be told their baby is ugly.

Blair is smart in her reviews, she's knowledgeable about the writers and artists and her blooper outtakes at the end of every video are hilarious. So, check her out at G4tv.com/freshink or just click through for the website.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Finally! The Old "Glee" Returns

Spoiler Alert: If you haven't watched this weeks episode of "Glee" you'll probably want to skip this post.

This weeks episode of "Glee" was so good. It reminded me of the old "Glee" where it wasn't so much about the music as it was about the storyline and the music complimenting that. Although, this episode the music kind of got in the way. I'm glad to see character development show up once again.

So, Kurt's mysterious love interest finally makes an appearance. His name is Blaine ("Blane? His name is BLANE? That's a major appliance - that's not a name!" I'll let you be my BFF if you can guess what movie that quote is from).

I like him. He's cute and charming and nice, which is just what Kurt needs after the bullying he put up with from that behemoth jackass that keeps locker checking him. I swear every time that hulking ignoramus pushed Kurt I wanted to kick him in the face along with everyone else who just walked by. In spite of that, it was interesting to see the development behind that character.

I did have my suspicions, he was far too interested in targeting just Kurt for him to be anything other than a total closet case. I did like how the writers played it though. It makes sense, the way he's been bullying Kurt. He's seeing something in Kurt that he's too afraid of confronting in himself, so he lashes out at Kurt in an attempt to hide that part of himself. Not that I'm feeling at all sympathetic towards the bully, but it's nice to see the writers add depth to a character who before today mostly remained in the background.

Also, Schuester showed a little of his old self as well rather than that pathetic jerk he turned into some where between the end of last season and the beginning of this one.

All around, it was a very good episode with some real writing for a change. Hopefully, it'll stay like that, but I'll have to see it to believe.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dashed Hopes

Originally, I wanted to have a new blog post up today, but after a crazy day at work yesterday and having to work all day again today, that just ain't gonna happen pally. Luckily, after today, I have the next 4 days off so look forward to some posty goodness, I'll definitely make up for this dry streak, I promise.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Call of Duty Black Ops + Midnight Release = Me, Tired and Cranky

Last night I had to work a midnight release. I've never worked one before but they're not so bad. Mostly just a bunch of geeks lining up outside to play a video game all night. And you know me, I heart geeks so it wasn't a bad night. I got home about 1:30am fall asleep about 2:30am and get a call at 8:30am from work, asking me if I can come in.

As you can guess I was asleep when they called and I looked at my phone to see who it was and literally went "NOOOOOO, I don't wanna go to work!" and dove back under the blankets because I knew what was coming. I let it go to voice mail and laid there debating about saying I couldn't work so that I could get some sleep and more writing done on NaNo today.

Eventually, reason won out, that's a good chunk of change I'd be passing up on my pay check so I called back and said I would come in. But I didn't say I would happy about it, haha suckers. No really though, I'm so freaking tired and cranky it's not even funny. I'm also frustrated because I really wanted to get more writing done on my NaNo novel that I had planned today and I can't.

So this is me updating my blog before I head in. I haven't had time to write an actual post because of work so if I don't get one up tonight, I'll have one for tomorrow.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sunday Nights

"The Walking Dead" is on again tonight at 10 and if you're not watching it then you are ca-razy. This show is so freaking good I can't get enough of it. Tonight is going to be fun, I'm going over to a friends house to watch it. I'm glad I'm at least getting out of the house tonight, last night I was invited to a party but because I was just so tired from getting up ridiculously early for that meeting and then working that night I decided to go home and chillax instead.

There's going to be a few of us hanging out and it'll probably be incredibly geeky because I think every one of us has read the entire comic series. I was talking to the guy whose house I'm going over to and I mentioned I haven't read issue 78 yet (the latest one).

Him: Dude, don't read it. Wait until 79 comes out.
Me: Why, does something bad happen?
Him: No, it's just so damn good you're going to be pissed you don't have 79 to read after you're done.
Me: GAH! That doesn't help, now I really want to read it!

So I've been debating about reading 78 or holding off. Knowing me, I'm not going to be able to wait.

Lip Service

I wanted to write a blog post about the new BBC show called "Lip Service" but then I read this awesome post by Dorothy Snarker over at Dorothy Surrenders and decided to just link to her post because she's such a great writer. So go HERE for her awesome blog.

I do want to talk about one thing and that is Frankie, otherwise known as OHMYGODSHEISSOHOT, because that's all I seem to be able to say/think every time she's on screen.

If you haven't been watching the show at home (or on YouTube) then here's a picture to give you an idea of what she looks like.

When I saw Frankie, played by Ruta Gedmintas, on "Lip Service" for the first time my immediate reaction was, "Holy shit she looks like a mix between Lena Headey and Keira Knightley!" My second reaction was to die and go to heaven.

If you haven't been watching the show then you probably won't be surprised to hear that she is definitely the "Shane" character of "Lip Service" and with looks like that can you really blame her? She's definitely the type that you want just one entire night to have you way with her before floating off on cloud 9 and dating someone you can bring home to your parents.

But ultimately, if I had to choose between Frankie and another character on the show, Sam, I would pick Sam in an instant.

She's exactly the type you can take home to mom and dad and she's so freaking sexy. Plus, have I mentioned Sam is my favorite name for a girl? Well it is, so it was meant to be right? Right? Sigh, I wish.

So if you're not watching "Lip Service" already, then if for the eye candy alone, you very well should be. And take it from me, there is some wonderful eye candy.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Call of the Void

I'm writing this post on 3 hours of sleep and zero coffee because of a ridiculously early meeting at work so I apologize in advance if the writing is crappy.

So last night, while I should have been sleeping, I was cruising tumblr once again when I came across this great article on one of my favortie tumblr feeds, Castle of Lions. If you don't want to click through no worries, I'll give a synopsis. Basically, the article goes over 20 words that are untranslatable to English. Some were funny, others made me wish they existed in the English language because they make perfect sense. But one in particular made me stop:

"L’appel du vide
- French – “The call of the void” is this French expression’s literal translation, but more significantly it’s used to describe the instinctive urge to jump from high places."

I loved this expression so much because I didn't realize it was a feeling shared by others. I've never mentioned it on my blog but I love heights, and any time I'm somewhere there's an edge or cliff or wall separating me from nothingness I always feel this ridiculous urge to go right up to the very edge. Part of me wants to experience the rush of what it would feel like to jump and completely let go, but at the same time it's not a suicidal thought. It's more, as if I want to experience something I know no one is going to catch me, it's just me and that falling sensation.

I don't know if I explained it very well but I felt the need to share it because I loved learning it was defined by something tangible like words, even if it's not in the English language.

Well Hell

If you're reading this on google reader, I apologize for the last post. When I have an idea for a post I jot down a few things and where I got it from, then save it. This time though I accidentally pressed publish, and now I can't get google reader to take it down. I was planning on writing the post tomorrow so you're just going to have to wait until then for the actual post. So for now, enjoy the preview and check that article out, it's really neat.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Funny Truths

I was reading my daily list of blogs this morning when I came across this hilarious gem. The blogger didn't know who the original author was so I can't credit them either. If anyone knows, give me a shout so I can attribute it. The purple writing are my comments to myself as I was reading them.


1) I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. They should also go through your room too before your parents that way no one ends up traumatized. Not that I have anything to hide.

2) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. This is so fucking true it's scary.

3) I totally take back all the times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4) There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I sincerely tried to fold one once and got so frustrated with it that I just crumpled it up and stuffed it in the linen closet and shut the door. I hate that a cotton sheet bested me.

6) Was learning cursive really necessary? Seriously, was it? I've never once used it since elementary school.

7) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood. This is awesome, because I automatically skip the first half of map quest directions for this very reason.

8) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. She shouldn't have eaten that last Big Mac.

9) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10) Bad decisions make good stories.

11) You never know when it will strike but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10 page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

15) I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

16) I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17) How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? God, I do this so much to people at work it's ridiculous. Customers insist on talking to me while I'm trying to fix whatever problem they come in with so I just end up nodding and smiling while I tune them out so I can finish my work and get them out of there.

18) I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Fuck yea! Asshole needs to either read the damn sign 5 miles back that says lane closure or get the fuck off the highway. I despise those people.

19) Even under ideal conditions people have trouble finding their car keys in a pocket or a cell phone. I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

20) The first testicular guard, the "Cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is important too. There's a reason it's one of the few sports where fighting is allowed.


The other day at work it go really busy all of a sudden so I bopped over to the front lanes to help the cashiers out. As I was logging into the register and called the next person up I glanced at the guy who walked up. He was unusually dressed, almost as if he was picked out of the late 1800's and dropped into present day.

He had on a long brown trench coat, a brown bowler hat and a very simple brown suit. As he was standing there while I rang him out his coat shifted and I could see was wearing an old brass skeleton key on a brass chain around his neck.

At first I thought it was for Halloween but then remembered Halloween had already passed. Then it dawned on me. He reminded me of the steampunk movement that has grown more popular lately. As I realized this I smiled at him and he kind of gave me a bewildered smile back.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to stare. It's just, the way you're dressed reminds me of steampunk. Have you heard of it?"

He paused for a moment as if surprised by my comment and smiled for real this time as he said, "That's exactly what it is. I do steampunk."

"Oh how cool, I think steampunk is so interesting."

I handed him his receipt and told him to have a great day and started to call up the next customer when he goes "I'm sorry, I need a high-five for that." So I laughed as I high-fived before sending him on his way, still smiling over our momentary bonding experience.

And that, is one of the many reasons why I love my job. All of the different people I meet every day keep things interesting.

In case you don't know what "steampunk" is sub-genre of science-fiction. Think H.G. Wells and Jules Vern. Check out the wiki page for a more technical definition and history, but basically my favorite way I've heard it defined is "what the past would like if the future had happened sooner."

So many cool projects have come out of the steampunk but my favorite so far has been the steampunk Iron Man that won the New York Comic Con.

I mean look at it! How cool is that? I love the idea of industrial age steam technology being combined with modern day objects and ideas.

Even though it probably makes me a huge nerd I think it's all really cool. I even started reading a comic called "Lady Mechanika" because of the steampunk theme it's centered around.

The comic book series takes place during the Victorian-era in Britain where the main character is in search of her "creator" because she has no memory of who she is or how she came to be part human, and part steampunk technology. It's a really interesting read if you're looking for something new and non superhero related to pick up. I give it two thumbs up and can't way for the second issue of the series to come out.

Also, if you're still interested in reading more about steampunk, check out this article that the New York Times did on it.

Lost PostSecrets

I was reading the PostSecret twitter feed when I decided to go through the postsecrets I had saved. When I find a postsecret that I really like I usually save it to my computer. But as I was searching for it I remembered I those files were erased from my laptop when it was wiped. This makes me incredibly sad now that I realized it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Most Adorable Couple Ever

If you've turned on the TV at all in the past week or so, then you've probably caught some snippet of the press tour Portia DeRossi/DeGeneres has been doing for her book "Unbearable Lightness." I'll be honest, I've never watched any of her shows or really bothered to learn anything about the actress herself except to know that she's married to Ellen.

After catching her interview with Oprah and "Good Morning America" I couldn't help but be blown away by the amount of honesty she appears to be displaying in each interview. Today, she was on Ellen talking about her book and I made a point to catch the show. I remember when they got married, I picked up a magazine that my grandmother had bought with a photo spread on their wedding and thought to myself that they make a cute couple.

Seeing them interact with each other today on the show has placed no doubt in my mind that they are the most adorable couple I have ever seen. Just watching their interactions with one another is amusing because of Ellen's humor and at times even heart warming with the love they constantly show to the other.

If you didn't catch the show today, here's a quick clip of some of what you missed. Pay close attention around 1:49.

When Portia said "I don't think I'm perfect at all" and Ellen interrupted her to say "I do," it literally made my heart melt a little bit. And I smiled like a goon at Portia's embarrassment as she rubbed Ellen's knee. So. Freaking. Adorable.

I'm not one to usually care about the lives of actors and actresses but the more I see these interviews with Portia, the more I want to read her book. Since I'm pretty busy right now trying to keep up with NaNoWriMo I originally wanted to wait to read the book but now I really really want to read it. Oh to heck with it, I'll just have to double time it on NaNo.

I < 3 Neil Gaiman

I came across this while cruising tumblr again, and had to post it because of how spot on this man gets it.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love."

~Neil Gaiman

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Fuck that noise.

I was going through my emails trying to find an article I had emailed to myself last week when I came across an old email I had forgotten I sent myself a long time ago. I do that from time to time, send emails to myself about things I don't want to forget. As I read it, I grew more and more angry because now I remember exactly why I made the decision I made. Thank god, even I was starting to get irritated with my emotional whining.

So now I'm pissed off enough to finally say, fuck that noise, I'm done with this emo shit. It's about god damned time I moved past it. Hu-fucking-rray.

NaNoWriMo Complex

I've been writing a bit for NaNoWriMo and I have to say, this "no editing" thing is driving me crazy. I'm the type of writer that has to go back and read and reread everything, editing the mistakes before moving on. But with NaNo the concentration is on word count not the quality of writing and it just bugs me so damn much that half of what I've written is jumbled and runs on sometimes. I try to force myself not to look at it so I don't start tweaking out.

In the end decided to go with the new story idea I came up with a day before NaNo started, and I'm kind of glad I did. It's been a lot of fun writing it because every time a new idea for the story pops into my head I just go with it. I have absolutely no plot to this story, I don't know where it's going and I have no clue how it's going to end, but I do know how it begins. So as a teaser here's the first sentence to my novel.

"Life is never predictable, especially when you wake up, dead in a morgue for the third time this week."

Ah, I see now that you are intrigued. So am I! It's going to be a fun ride.


Sorry I went all emo yesterday. Certain things have just been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I hate to say it but I'm going to do it again. Normally, I try to avoid getting messy with emotions on my blog but since my journal is not readily available, where I usually write about this stuff, this will have to do.

For me, writing is a kind of therapy. I don't discuss my emotions with people, aside from my mom and one other person, I never let my guard down, which is why I don't have "close" friends. I have so many walls in place that it's just safer to leave them there. But at the same time, when something is wrong, I have to talk it out. And so here I am, talking it out on my blog because I can't find my stupid journal.

So here goes. This is me. Talking it out.

It's strange how sometimes I feel like I have two other people living inside my head, one who wants to lead with her heart and emotions, and the other who has to hold her back and protect both of us because if she did do that, then all hell would break loose.

Take for instance, the case of the friend I no longer talk to. We started out as friends, and we were great friends. We clicked on everything, and rarely ever ran out of topics to talk about. But inevitably emotions began to run rampant and we took that step past friendship and into relationship territory.

This is where "the heart" comes into play. In spite of things ending very badly, she simply does not care. She doesn't care that no matter how hard I try, once I stepped past that friendship line there was no going back for me. She doesn't care that no matter how hard I can fool myself into thinking we can be "just friends" I'm always the one that ends up being hurt again. All that matters is the small part of me that still misses my friend and does everything in its power to make me reach out. Luckily, that part of me has not won out as of yet, the numerous emails that I have started and discarded can attest to that.

So far, the other part of me has remained stubborn, the level headed part, "the protector", digging in her heels and refusing to let go of the memory of having my heart broken, which "the heart" seems to have so easily forgotten. She argues day and night with "the heart", parading memories back and forth. The hurt, feeling that sense of betrayal when the one person you trusted the most not to hurt you does it anyway. The decision not to be friends, because how do you go from being "in love" with someone to being "just friends"?

In her argument, you don't. You either move on, or you remain this pathetic love sick moron who is only fooling herself that she's okay with being "just friends".

While "the protector" may sound like she's a callous bitch, she's also understanding. She knows it's not easy falling out of "love" but at the same time, she truly believes this is what's best for "the heart" and for me. And so she fights for all it's worth to protect us from ever feeling that amount of hurt again. No matter how much "the heart" wants to reach out and say "I miss you so much my friend. I miss your jokes and your laughter. I miss your silliness and your company. I miss the ridiculous conversations we would have at 5 in the morning after no sleep. But most of all, what I miss, is loving you." Why couldn't you have just loved me too?

Right about that time is when "the protector" makes her move. While "the heart" is being flooded with all the memories and the heartache "the protector" gathers her up in her arms and comforts her and reminds "the heart" that it simply can never be. The decision was made, and things were said that cannot simply be forgotten. So she carries "the heart" and the burden of doing what is best for both of us, until "the heart" mends and can once more stand on her own knowing "the protector" will be there to catch her when she inevitably falls again.

This. This is what has been going on inside my head every day since that dream. This is what also has made me realize, contrary to my previous belief that I was over everything, a part of me has yet to move on. And that dream is what brought it to the surface.

Stupid dream.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Ever since I can remember I've always had very vivid dreams. Sometimes it's a good thing, but more often than not it's bad. It makes nightmares that much more intense or gives me this ridiculously weird jumbled up mess that's supposed to be a dream but just leaves me going "what the hell was that?" when I wake up.

Most of the time I can just shake my dreams off and go about my day, forgetting them an hour after I wake up. But every once in a while I get a dream that sticks with me for days, either because it was so disturbing or because it brings back memories I don't want anymore.

A few weeks ago I had a dream about someone I no longer talk to. Which, normally, that wouldn't bother me. I dream about people I have interacted with all the time, family, friends, people I work with, people I used to go to school with, every body does that. This time though, because the friendship/relationship didn't end well, it brought back all of the feelings and emotions I made myself forget.

When I managed to force myself out of the dream and wake up in the middle of the night I was filled with so much anger and hurt. Part of that was from the residual effects of the emotions the dream had stirred up. The other part though, was because I felt so betrayed by my own mind.

It has been almost a year since I finally came to terms with everything, since I made myself give up the hope that she and I could be friends. After working so hard to move on and suddenly having my mind betray me like that by bringing up those emotions and that tiny sliver of hope again, I can't help but be mad at myself.

Feeling like this makes me think of how an addict must feel when they're on the verge of a relapse. Like all of a sudden I've fallen off the wagon and everything, from NaNo to comics to movies and music, reminds me of her again. And every time I think about it the anger flares up and I just want to punch something. I mean, jesus fucking christ the last time I talked to her was over a year and a half ago and for good reason, but that stupid dream makes it feel like it was just yesterday. I hate it.

I can feel a sense of resignation has finally set it. Those feelings and memories aren't going anywhere anytime soon so I just have to cope until they fade again. Until then, I just keep reminding myself of the many reasons we're no longer friends.

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo: It's Aliiiive!

NaNoWriMo is in full swing now and I'm already behind. But that's okay, I took some much needed time to relax today to recuperate from my "vacation" at my mom's. She was moving houses and holy baby hayzus made of jell-o she has a lot of crap. I wish I had thought to take a before and after picture of her house but I was too busy worrying about lower back pain, which finally stopped hurting today.

While I was relaxing today, catching up on Dexter and Boardwalk Empire, I was thinking about the novel I wanted to write when suddenly I was struck by an entirely new idea. Now I don't know what to do, I have the one I was going to write pretty much mapped out, but this new one intrigues me and I really want to know where it's going to go. I'm so torn! Do I write the book I've been wanting to write for years, or do I go with this fresh, new idea that kind of excites me? Sigh. I'm giving myself tonight to make up my mind, or else I'm just going to stick with the one I have an outline for.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on how that goes. If anyone else is doing NaNo this year, you should totally be my writing buddy!