On Life Insurance:
Mom: Hey, just wanted to let you know that I got a new life insurance plan through work and I put you, Doug and Jon as the recipients.
Me: Thanks for letting me know. You know what this means now right?
Mom: You're going to put a hit out on me?
Me: No, no. We're just going to fake your death. Drive your car off a bridge into the bay, maybe cut off a finger so the cops find some sort of body part so they don't declare you a missing person and we have to wait 7 years to get the money.
Mom: Not the finger, I'm rather attached to them. Maybe I can get the doctors to give me back my uterus and we can use that and all they'll find is a floating uterus?
Me: OH GROSS! Oh my god, that was a good one, but gross!
Mom: (A ridiculous amount of laughter on her end) Your brother just had the same reaction.