It's two months til my birthday and god am I starting to feel old. I'm going to be 22. That's it just 22. No wonderful spectacular 21 or the excitement of turning 18 or 16 even. Just 22. Sigh. Now, the only thing I have to look forward to is turning 30, and I so don't even want to think about that.
I don't think I mentioned it but for my new job I work in retail and so I stand my entire shift. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with that but I have a knee injury from when I was a kid, that in my old age, has started getting worse. And so by the time I get home I'm usually limping slightly making me feel even older than I am.
I'm not even looking forward to this birthday. Last year when I was turning 21 I had a count down going by the 6 month mark, now I'm just like *grumble* "Yeah I guess it's two months til my birthday. *grumble* Not like it's anything to look forward to. *grumble* Should just cancel it. *grumble* Wait, can you cancel a birthday? No? Damn. "*grumble*
Showing posts with label Emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emo. Show all posts
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk. And Music.
Through out my life I've had moments where I feel like I lose myself. It's not the kind of loss of self you experience when you get wrapped up in a work of art or some really great music, or an exciting project even. It's a very bad sort of loss, where I feel like I'm suffocating. Like there's a part of me missing and if I don't get it back my world is going to completely fall apart.
I had to deal with it a lot growing up. Then, it was caused by some very bad events that took place in my childhood. Now, with the wisdom that comes from years of dealing and picking up the pieces of wreckage I leave behind during those moments I see it's an almost uncontrollable safety mechanism. The loss is always triggered by something emotionally burdening and a part of me runs away with every fiber of my being, trying to hide from the pain.
While that is taking place, another part of myself steps forward and does whatever it takes to force myself through the hard times. It does it without concern of past or future consequences. Without concern for what is best or what is right. The only thing it has in mind is making sure I survive it.
This summer was another one of such moments. I had my heartbroken by someone I placed my trust in completely. My relationship with my mother was extremely strained after a very big argument we had. I had been told I wouldn't be able to attend college this year. For me, those were the most important things in my life. My family is my rock, school was my ticket to being able to help take care of my family in the future, and her, well I loved her with everything I had until I realized she never felt the same. Throw in issues with money and other smaller things that had been building up. My world had gone from stable to upside down in a matter of weeks and I couldn't handle it anymore.
It had been years since I was in such a bad place. I was floored. I saw that if I didn't find an escape soon, I wasn't going to make it. I needed an escape and it came in the form of alcohol. I didn't see a problem with it at first, all I knew was that the days and weeks were passing and I was still here, so something was working right.
After about a month, I was finally able to start pulling myself back together. I managed to dull the pain enough to be able to see what I really needed to do to get myself back on my feet. The end of the summer was fast approaching and if I was going to find a way to stay in school I needed to start immediately.
I stopped buying the alcohol and switched to smoking on occasion. I busted my ass, and found a way I could stay in school. I owe my uncle most of the credit for pushing me and not letting me give up on that.
The past month and half are a true testament to how far I have come from where I was during the summer. In an attempt to ensure that I don't slip back down to where I was, I've started this little ritual almost. I don't really smoke anymore, but the nights when I feel myself starting to get overly stressed and need that escape, I grab my iPod and go outside and have a smoke.
There's something moving about being outside at night alone. Across the street from my house is a park. I walk over and sit on the swings or the stairs to a slide and just listen to my music and look at the sky. By the time I'm done with my cigarette my mind is refreshingly clear of all the thoughts and worries that had been plaguing me earlier and I'm in state of complete relaxation.
Rarely ever do I feel a sense of pride in myself but this is one of those times. I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to, I can make it through anything now.
I had to deal with it a lot growing up. Then, it was caused by some very bad events that took place in my childhood. Now, with the wisdom that comes from years of dealing and picking up the pieces of wreckage I leave behind during those moments I see it's an almost uncontrollable safety mechanism. The loss is always triggered by something emotionally burdening and a part of me runs away with every fiber of my being, trying to hide from the pain.
While that is taking place, another part of myself steps forward and does whatever it takes to force myself through the hard times. It does it without concern of past or future consequences. Without concern for what is best or what is right. The only thing it has in mind is making sure I survive it.
This summer was another one of such moments. I had my heartbroken by someone I placed my trust in completely. My relationship with my mother was extremely strained after a very big argument we had. I had been told I wouldn't be able to attend college this year. For me, those were the most important things in my life. My family is my rock, school was my ticket to being able to help take care of my family in the future, and her, well I loved her with everything I had until I realized she never felt the same. Throw in issues with money and other smaller things that had been building up. My world had gone from stable to upside down in a matter of weeks and I couldn't handle it anymore.
It had been years since I was in such a bad place. I was floored. I saw that if I didn't find an escape soon, I wasn't going to make it. I needed an escape and it came in the form of alcohol. I didn't see a problem with it at first, all I knew was that the days and weeks were passing and I was still here, so something was working right.
After about a month, I was finally able to start pulling myself back together. I managed to dull the pain enough to be able to see what I really needed to do to get myself back on my feet. The end of the summer was fast approaching and if I was going to find a way to stay in school I needed to start immediately.
I stopped buying the alcohol and switched to smoking on occasion. I busted my ass, and found a way I could stay in school. I owe my uncle most of the credit for pushing me and not letting me give up on that.
The past month and half are a true testament to how far I have come from where I was during the summer. In an attempt to ensure that I don't slip back down to where I was, I've started this little ritual almost. I don't really smoke anymore, but the nights when I feel myself starting to get overly stressed and need that escape, I grab my iPod and go outside and have a smoke.
There's something moving about being outside at night alone. Across the street from my house is a park. I walk over and sit on the swings or the stairs to a slide and just listen to my music and look at the sky. By the time I'm done with my cigarette my mind is refreshingly clear of all the thoughts and worries that had been plaguing me earlier and I'm in state of complete relaxation.
Rarely ever do I feel a sense of pride in myself but this is one of those times. I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to, I can make it through anything now.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Relationships and Happiness
Earlier this evening I had a friend ask me why I've only ever had one relationship, well, the closest thing I've ever come to a relationship, and honestly I hadn't given it too much thought. So it got me thinking, why haven't I had more relationships? The only answer I could come up with is that I don't feel the need to be in a relationship constantly. I watch the people around me fight with their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and constantly jump from one relationship to another without even taking a breath and the only thing I can think is, I don't want that for me.
I'm too much of an independent person to want to rely on someone else to make me feel better about myself. I allowed myself once to depend on someone to be the cause of happiness in me, but after that relationship quite honestly tanked, I realized, I don't need someone to make me happy. I can be my own happiness, and in essence that makes me a much better person. Besides, if and when I decide it's time for another relationship, said relationship will be that much stronger because it's not constantly trying to carry the burden of making two people happy. A relationship should only add to a person's happiness, not support it.
I also saw that using a relationship as a crutch for happiness is highly unstable, leaving both members of the relationship prone to drastic mood swings. And one thing I strongly dislike, is the constant roller coaster of emotion a relationship can have on a person. It's just not for me, I need stability above all else.
Sure, I may miss some of the things about being in a relationship from time to time, like having someone to talk to about your day, but is that absolutely necessary for my own happiness? Nope. What is necessary for me to be happy is being able to stand back and look at where I am at in my life and say, "Yeah, this is where I want to be, no worries and no regrets."
And for the first time in a very long time, I was finally able to do that. I'll never forget the feeling of relief that washed over me. I felt the weight of years of stress and worry fall off my shoulders. To finally let go of the regrets I had over the mistakes I have made was so incredibly liberating. It was also a lesson very well learned.
I'm too much of an independent person to want to rely on someone else to make me feel better about myself. I allowed myself once to depend on someone to be the cause of happiness in me, but after that relationship quite honestly tanked, I realized, I don't need someone to make me happy. I can be my own happiness, and in essence that makes me a much better person. Besides, if and when I decide it's time for another relationship, said relationship will be that much stronger because it's not constantly trying to carry the burden of making two people happy. A relationship should only add to a person's happiness, not support it.
I also saw that using a relationship as a crutch for happiness is highly unstable, leaving both members of the relationship prone to drastic mood swings. And one thing I strongly dislike, is the constant roller coaster of emotion a relationship can have on a person. It's just not for me, I need stability above all else.
Sure, I may miss some of the things about being in a relationship from time to time, like having someone to talk to about your day, but is that absolutely necessary for my own happiness? Nope. What is necessary for me to be happy is being able to stand back and look at where I am at in my life and say, "Yeah, this is where I want to be, no worries and no regrets."
And for the first time in a very long time, I was finally able to do that. I'll never forget the feeling of relief that washed over me. I felt the weight of years of stress and worry fall off my shoulders. To finally let go of the regrets I had over the mistakes I have made was so incredibly liberating. It was also a lesson very well learned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)