Happy Halloween

Since I'm not working I really don't have anything going on today other than homework. I might be going to see some Swedish vampire flick playing at the art institute here with a friend from work. I think the movie is called "Let the Right One In" but I can't say for sure if that's what it is. It'll be a good vampire change from the "Twilight" saga. I used to be such a big fan of the books but good god, I can only take so much before I get tired of having something crammed down my visual throat by the media before my gag reflex kicks in.

Anyway, Halloween hasn't been a holiday that I've gotten excited about since I was in elementary school. People keep asking me if I'm going to dress up and I just keep telling them I'm going as Super College Girl, doing her best to battle frat boys and crazy creepy stalker dudes, but above all facing my arch nemesis....PROCRASTINATION...dun dun duuuuuun.

Haha, at least this way I don't have to buy a costume. If I wanted to jazz things up I guess I could add a cape or something but I don't really need it. Besides, according to the "Incredibles" capes have been the demise of many a super hero. So on second thought, "No capes!"

Happy Halloween!

Like a Lost Puppy

Whenever I'm online and run out of things to search or read or browse through on the internet, I always feel like a lost puppy. It's like I'm sitting there, randomly clicking links to blogs or websites I've already gone over and read, but I don't know what to do next. Like there's this part of me that absolutely refuses to believe there's nothing left to do but close the lid on my laptop and find something non-internet related to entertain myself with.

Usually, when this happens and I have no homework to do (sometimes I do it even when I have homework to do, thanks a lot procrastination) I'll catch up on the shows I miss while I'm at work or studying. It's just such a strange feeling when I'm all caught up on my shows, and up to date on all the topics that interest me.

I wonder if this is what addiction feels like. When you're without your drug of choice, do you have that constantly nagging feeling of "I need more!" I would imagine so, otherwise why else would people be addicts.

Oh boy, I guess I need to start going to meetings or something to help kick the addiction. Maybe I should sign up for Internet Addicts Anonymous. Then again, if I did, I probably wouldn't be allowed to blog anymore. So on second thought, no, I'll just stick with this lost puppy feeling.

Wait! I just got an update on my google reader, I have post to read on someone else's blog. Whew, all is right in my world once again.

Organ Donor

I think every time I'm in my Communication Theory class something always happens that is worthy quotable material. Most of that is because my professor is freaking hilarious and the rest is because my classmates are quirky and funny as well.

Today, our lecture was on how biology affects communication between people. Somewhere during the lecture we got onto the top of organ donation and this discussion took place between my professor and a student in my class.

Professor: Studies have shown that people who have had organ transplants incorporate the DNA of that organ into their genetic make up.
Student: So you're saying if you gave me your organ I would become more like you?
Professor: In a sense yes. If I were to put my organ in you........(the class starts laughing).....That did not come out right, let me try again....If I were to give you my organ......(more laughter)......I can't even say organ anymore. Okay moving on.

Some of the things that come out of that professor's mouth are the funniest stuff I have ever heard. He should really give stand up a try, he would be a complete success.

After the whole organ giving thing the class kind of lost focus and we went on to quoting "The Princess Bride". Which by the way, BEST MOVIE EVER. Anyone who can quote lines from that movie becomes my instant BFF.

What an Idiot

Sometimes I wonder about myself. Like really, I'm a college student, I consider myself of reasonable intelligence. But on occasion I do something that makes me question if I'm smart or if I'm just really good at faking it.

I was reading over a paper I just turned in this weekend for one of my classes and in the paper I had to refer to myself in the third person. Well, about halfway through, I realized in one of the references to myself, that I spelled my name wrong. I mean COME ON. Who spells their name wrong? I've only had it my entire life.

Granted, it's a typo that I just didn't notice at the time I wrote the paper, but still, I must have read it over half a dozen times while I was editing it and I still missed it. This is one of those moments where I just go *Forehead/Palm* Doh.

Ugh.

I hate Blackboard. It's a stupid thing that my university uses and it's the devil. This entire semester all of the students have been having nothing but problems with it. The first week of classes was ridiculous because it crashed multiple times and professors had to keep extending deadlines for assignments.

Since then it periodically and randomly just goes down at the most inconvenient times. I have homework due tomorrow and now, because stupid effing Blackboard won't work, I can't do it. &$#@! This is me, VERY frustrated.

Scholarships are fun fun fun!

Scholarship applications are going to be starting soon for next fall and I need to get on that. I always feel completely inadequate whenever I fill them out, like there's something more that I should be doing.

For example, whenever I come to the volunteer section I always feel a bit of regret that I never have anything to put down. Between school and work I just don't have the time to go out and volunteer to help repair houses or work with kids or whatever else. I used to be able to volunteer for the newspaper at my old 2 year college and that counted because we weren't paid and I could do it on my own personal time. So far I haven't been able to find anything else flexible like that.

I also struggle with the essay section, I'm good at writing papers but when it comes to essays about myself I kinda suck. So here's to attempting to get free money. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll qualify for a few scholarships for next year and I won't have to take out a million loans to pay for school.

Brain Infatuation

Whenever someone asks me "What's your type?" I always hesitate to give them my answer. Because the truth is, I really don't haven a specific type of girl I'm interested in. It all depends on the personality of the person. And when I say that, I get this look that says, "Yeah. Right." Granted, I understand that physical attraction is crucial for a first impression, but first impressions are wrong 95% of the time anyway.

Now if I were to describe one trait that each girl I've had an attraction for possessed then I would say it is intelligence. Although sense of humor is a very close second, I have a thing for girls with brains. And I don't mean genius level intelligence, I'm talking about someone who actually takes an interest in academia of any kind. I like girls that can form their own opinions and argue their side of the issue. For awhile now I've kind of had an inside joke with myself because I call it brain infatuation.

Recently, I noticed that I was starting to form just such an infatuation for one of my Comm. professors. I'll be honest, on the first day of class my first thought was that she is extremely cute. Hey, I said I didn't have a specific type, not that I was blind. She's attractive in that I-don't-know-I'm-attractive kind of way. As she started the lecture, my second thought was that she really knew what she was talking about, she wasn't just reading out of the book to us. And every day since then she has just confirmed to me more and more how intelligent she is, not just that since she has a PhD of course she's smart, but smart in a well rounded way that she can actually apply her knowledge so that her students understand what she's teaching.

I've also been spending one-on-one time with her as well because she's trying to help me get involved in an internship program for this summer, and so I have been able to see what she's like outside of the classroom. Then, last week it finally hit me that I'm totally infatuated with this ladies mind. It made me wish she were a student so that I could appropriately ask if she wanted to hang out giving me the opportunity to pick her brain about other topics than just Communications.

Traumatized

On the outside, my family appears to be a pretty normal, middle class, American family. But on the inside, as part of that family, we are so weird. Someone is always saying something inappropriately funny, or doing something completely retarded.

Usually, I'm the one doing the retarded stuff while my uncle cracks the jokes to make everyone laugh. Today my grandmother decided she was going to be the inappropriately funny.

Uncle: (Picking up a bag off the table) Hey, this is new where did you get it?
Grandma: Oh, that was free from Coke, I thought it was going to be red but it's pink.
Uncle: Yeah, but that's the color for your protect the boobies stuff you like.
Grandma: Well, mine are already protected, and besides you know what they say, more than a mouthful is a waste anyway.
Me: Oh god, no, you did not just say that.
Uncle: (My uncle falls out laughing) No, it's more than a handful. Not mouthful.
Me: Please stop, I can't take this.
Grandma: I thought it was mouthful, cause you can only fit so much in your mouth.
Me: (Walking out of the room) This is so wrong, I'm traumatized for life.


The holidays haven't even started yet and they're so much worse come Christmas time. It's going to be an interesting holiday season.

Over the Hill

It's two months til my birthday and god am I starting to feel old. I'm going to be 22. That's it just 22. No wonderful spectacular 21 or the excitement of turning 18 or 16 even. Just 22. Sigh. Now, the only thing I have to look forward to is turning 30, and I so don't even want to think about that.

I don't think I mentioned it but for my new job I work in retail and so I stand my entire shift. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with that but I have a knee injury from when I was a kid, that in my old age, has started getting worse. And so by the time I get home I'm usually limping slightly making me feel even older than I am.

I'm not even looking forward to this birthday. Last year when I was turning 21 I had a count down going by the 6 month mark, now I'm just like *grumble* "Yeah I guess it's two months til my birthday. *grumble* Not like it's anything to look forward to. *grumble* Should just cancel it. *grumble* Wait, can you cancel a birthday? No? Damn. "*grumble*

Ode to Netflix

Recently I have discovered the wonder that is called Netflix. To express my love for this miracle of miracles, I give you, Ode to Netflix.

Ode to Netflix

From out of my mailbox peaks an envelope red,
Foreshadowing of the good times ahead.
Words cannot express my extreme delight
Of witnessing such a wondrous site.
I open the object and what do I see?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Disk 3.
The marathon begins, all chores set aside,
Homework forgotten, I strap in for the ride.
Oh Netflix how I ever lived with out thee before,
It is a wonder I made it through those days of yore.



Before you say anything, I know it's not a proper ode, and I know it's not in Iambic Pentameter. There's a reason I'm a Comm. Major and not an English or Lit Major, but I had fun writing it.

Whoa, Down Girl!

Have you ever had one of those times, where something catches you completely off guard and your body has a physical reaction that you didn't see coming and totally were not expecting?

Yeah, I had one of those times right in the middle of my Spanish class today.

Every week before a quiz my professor has the class play some kind of game to give everyone a chance to win extra credit points to go on their quizzes. Today, we were playing hang man in teams. The girl that I sit next to, and I, are pretty good students so we usually rock the competition. As my professor was going around the room giving each team a chance to guess the Spanish phrase on the board, I was engrossed in trying to figure out what the phrase was from the limited amount of letters we knew and not paying any attention to my teammate.

Suddenly, she leaned over and whispered the answer in my ear. And I don't mean, stage whispered in my ear from two feet away, I mean, lips-right-up-against-my-ear-chills-down-my-spine kind of whispered.

Talk. About. WHOA.

My body went "Well hellooooo" while my brain basically imploded, completely incapable of thought. I can't even remember the last time I was caught that completely off guard and I gotta be honest, I'm kind of glad it doesn't happen often because it took a while for me to get my bearings after that one.

Now that I think about it I find the whole incident rather amusing. I figure part of why I was knocked so off balance was the fact that I had her pegged as straighter than straight and I never had any physical attraction towards her so I wasn't expecting anything like that from her. Her actions were unintentional and my reaction was unexpected. Luckily for me I was able to keep my cool on the outside and she never suspected a thing.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk. And Music.

Through out my life I've had moments where I feel like I lose myself. It's not the kind of loss of self you experience when you get wrapped up in a work of art or some really great music, or an exciting project even. It's a very bad sort of loss, where I feel like I'm suffocating. Like there's a part of me missing and if I don't get it back my world is going to completely fall apart.

I had to deal with it a lot growing up. Then, it was caused by some very bad events that took place in my childhood. Now, with the wisdom that comes from years of dealing and picking up the pieces of wreckage I leave behind during those moments I see it's an almost uncontrollable safety mechanism. The loss is always triggered by something emotionally burdening and a part of me runs away with every fiber of my being, trying to hide from the pain.

While that is taking place, another part of myself steps forward and does whatever it takes to force myself through the hard times. It does it without concern of past or future consequences. Without concern for what is best or what is right. The only thing it has in mind is making sure I survive it.

This summer was another one of such moments. I had my heartbroken by someone I placed my trust in completely. My relationship with my mother was extremely strained after a very big argument we had. I had been told I wouldn't be able to attend college this year. For me, those were the most important things in my life. My family is my rock, school was my ticket to being able to help take care of my family in the future, and her, well I loved her with everything I had until I realized she never felt the same. Throw in issues with money and other smaller things that had been building up. My world had gone from stable to upside down in a matter of weeks and I couldn't handle it anymore.

It had been years since I was in such a bad place. I was floored. I saw that if I didn't find an escape soon, I wasn't going to make it. I needed an escape and it came in the form of alcohol. I didn't see a problem with it at first, all I knew was that the days and weeks were passing and I was still here, so something was working right.

After about a month, I was finally able to start pulling myself back together. I managed to dull the pain enough to be able to see what I really needed to do to get myself back on my feet. The end of the summer was fast approaching and if I was going to find a way to stay in school I needed to start immediately.

I stopped buying the alcohol and switched to smoking on occasion. I busted my ass, and found a way I could stay in school. I owe my uncle most of the credit for pushing me and not letting me give up on that.

The past month and half are a true testament to how far I have come from where I was during the summer. In an attempt to ensure that I don't slip back down to where I was, I've started this little ritual almost. I don't really smoke anymore, but the nights when I feel myself starting to get overly stressed and need that escape, I grab my iPod and go outside and have a smoke.

There's something moving about being outside at night alone. Across the street from my house is a park. I walk over and sit on the swings or the stairs to a slide and just listen to my music and look at the sky. By the time I'm done with my cigarette my mind is refreshingly clear of all the thoughts and worries that had been plaguing me earlier and I'm in state of complete relaxation.

Rarely ever do I feel a sense of pride in myself but this is one of those times. I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to, I can make it through anything now.

Procrastination is the Key...to Disaster!

Midterms are tomorrow. Now ask me if I've studied for any of them yet. The answer is no. Stupid procrastination snuck up on me and jumped my from behind, I'm innocent I tell you! It's a frame job! To be honest though, one of my midterms I didn't even know was this week until yesterday, but oh well. I'm sure I'll do alright on both of them.

I was talking on the phone with my mom yesterday and told her I had midterms Thursday and so she sent me this picture over Facebook. Yes, I'm friends with my mom on Facebook. Shut up.



This is so true. Whenever I study longer than 15 minutes I'm always like "Hmmm, now would be a good time for a nap." Come to think of it, I'm supposed to be studying right now and somehow I ended up at my blog.

Me Gusta La Musica!

Tune Wedgie of the Day: "El Rey Tiburon" By Mana

I don't know if I've mentioned it previously, but one of the classes I'm taking this semester is Spanish. My major requires two semesters of a language and since Spanish is supposed to be one of the easiest languages to learn and this will be my second attempt at learning Spanish, I figured what the hell, might as well.

So far things are going okay, but it's only the first semester, come second semester I'll probably be dying to be over with it. Languages just aren't my thing, I have a really hard time grasping the grammar concepts. It was hard enough learning them in English in grade school now I have to learn it in a different language?! What the eff man? What. The. Eff.

One of the cool things that my professor does differently from my other classes is at the beginning of every class she plays a some-what popular Spanish song. It's the same song for about three weeks, and at first it was kind of annoying because the first song was something lame and kind of boring by Nelly Furtado. No offense to any of her fans, I just didn't like the song.

The latest song she is playing I like much much better. It's called "El Rey Tiburon" by Mana, the name translates to "The Shark King." It has a really good beat to it and the lyrics are kind of funny in a weird sort of way. Not very often does a song make me want to dance, but every time I hear this song it makes me want to get up and do the cha-cha. Not that I CAN do the cha-cha. Well, not that I can dance at all really.

Anyway, here is the music video I found on YouTube for your listening and viewing pleasure. Even if you don't think the song will be your typical music style, it's definitely worth a listen at least once.

Slight Dilemma

A few posts back I mentioned I've been slowly dating this girl, and that we get along pretty well the biggest problem being trying to get our schedules to match up since we both go to college full time and work.

Well, we were talking and she told me she has a kid. At first I was kind of in shock but I didn't let it show on the outside so that I didn't upset her or anything. On the inside I was going, "Wait. What? She has a kid? She had sex with a dude to have a kid? That doesn't make sense, she said she's known she was gay since she was really young. Crap, what have I gotten myself into?" She is only a few years older than I am so I wasn't even expecting her to have a kid and it really threw me off base.

I suppressed my urge to leave and got her to tell me the story behind everything and found out she's married and that's when she had her son. She and her wife went to Canada and got married a few years ago and after their relationship fell apart they found out they can't get a divorce without movie to Canada for a year or something like that.

I'm sitting there trying to keep my jaw from hanging open and running for the nearest exit. I feel like an asshole for saying that, but that's exactly how I was feeling. I was thinking in my head "I'm only 21, I'm so not ready to be dating someone with a kid."

Which brings me to my dilemma. How do I let her down easily without hurting her feelings? She is a nice girl, but I think she's looking for something more serious than what I can give her right now, and I'm just not at all comfortable knowing she has a kid.

If I knew dating was going to be this stressful I would have avoided the whole situation altogether.