Brain Infatuation

Whenever someone asks me "What's your type?" I always hesitate to give them my answer. Because the truth is, I really don't haven a specific type of girl I'm interested in. It all depends on the personality of the person. And when I say that, I get this look that says, "Yeah. Right." Granted, I understand that physical attraction is crucial for a first impression, but first impressions are wrong 95% of the time anyway.

Now if I were to describe one trait that each girl I've had an attraction for possessed then I would say it is intelligence. Although sense of humor is a very close second, I have a thing for girls with brains. And I don't mean genius level intelligence, I'm talking about someone who actually takes an interest in academia of any kind. I like girls that can form their own opinions and argue their side of the issue. For awhile now I've kind of had an inside joke with myself because I call it brain infatuation.

Recently, I noticed that I was starting to form just such an infatuation for one of my Comm. professors. I'll be honest, on the first day of class my first thought was that she is extremely cute. Hey, I said I didn't have a specific type, not that I was blind. She's attractive in that I-don't-know-I'm-attractive kind of way. As she started the lecture, my second thought was that she really knew what she was talking about, she wasn't just reading out of the book to us. And every day since then she has just confirmed to me more and more how intelligent she is, not just that since she has a PhD of course she's smart, but smart in a well rounded way that she can actually apply her knowledge so that her students understand what she's teaching.

I've also been spending one-on-one time with her as well because she's trying to help me get involved in an internship program for this summer, and so I have been able to see what she's like outside of the classroom. Then, last week it finally hit me that I'm totally infatuated with this ladies mind. It made me wish she were a student so that I could appropriately ask if she wanted to hang out giving me the opportunity to pick her brain about other topics than just Communications.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk. And Music.

Through out my life I've had moments where I feel like I lose myself. It's not the kind of loss of self you experience when you get wrapped up in a work of art or some really great music, or an exciting project even. It's a very bad sort of loss, where I feel like I'm suffocating. Like there's a part of me missing and if I don't get it back my world is going to completely fall apart.

I had to deal with it a lot growing up. Then, it was caused by some very bad events that took place in my childhood. Now, with the wisdom that comes from years of dealing and picking up the pieces of wreckage I leave behind during those moments I see it's an almost uncontrollable safety mechanism. The loss is always triggered by something emotionally burdening and a part of me runs away with every fiber of my being, trying to hide from the pain.

While that is taking place, another part of myself steps forward and does whatever it takes to force myself through the hard times. It does it without concern of past or future consequences. Without concern for what is best or what is right. The only thing it has in mind is making sure I survive it.

This summer was another one of such moments. I had my heartbroken by someone I placed my trust in completely. My relationship with my mother was extremely strained after a very big argument we had. I had been told I wouldn't be able to attend college this year. For me, those were the most important things in my life. My family is my rock, school was my ticket to being able to help take care of my family in the future, and her, well I loved her with everything I had until I realized she never felt the same. Throw in issues with money and other smaller things that had been building up. My world had gone from stable to upside down in a matter of weeks and I couldn't handle it anymore.

It had been years since I was in such a bad place. I was floored. I saw that if I didn't find an escape soon, I wasn't going to make it. I needed an escape and it came in the form of alcohol. I didn't see a problem with it at first, all I knew was that the days and weeks were passing and I was still here, so something was working right.

After about a month, I was finally able to start pulling myself back together. I managed to dull the pain enough to be able to see what I really needed to do to get myself back on my feet. The end of the summer was fast approaching and if I was going to find a way to stay in school I needed to start immediately.

I stopped buying the alcohol and switched to smoking on occasion. I busted my ass, and found a way I could stay in school. I owe my uncle most of the credit for pushing me and not letting me give up on that.

The past month and half are a true testament to how far I have come from where I was during the summer. In an attempt to ensure that I don't slip back down to where I was, I've started this little ritual almost. I don't really smoke anymore, but the nights when I feel myself starting to get overly stressed and need that escape, I grab my iPod and go outside and have a smoke.

There's something moving about being outside at night alone. Across the street from my house is a park. I walk over and sit on the swings or the stairs to a slide and just listen to my music and look at the sky. By the time I'm done with my cigarette my mind is refreshingly clear of all the thoughts and worries that had been plaguing me earlier and I'm in state of complete relaxation.

Rarely ever do I feel a sense of pride in myself but this is one of those times. I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to, I can make it through anything now.

Slight Dilemma

A few posts back I mentioned I've been slowly dating this girl, and that we get along pretty well the biggest problem being trying to get our schedules to match up since we both go to college full time and work.

Well, we were talking and she told me she has a kid. At first I was kind of in shock but I didn't let it show on the outside so that I didn't upset her or anything. On the inside I was going, "Wait. What? She has a kid? She had sex with a dude to have a kid? That doesn't make sense, she said she's known she was gay since she was really young. Crap, what have I gotten myself into?" She is only a few years older than I am so I wasn't even expecting her to have a kid and it really threw me off base.

I suppressed my urge to leave and got her to tell me the story behind everything and found out she's married and that's when she had her son. She and her wife went to Canada and got married a few years ago and after their relationship fell apart they found out they can't get a divorce without movie to Canada for a year or something like that.

I'm sitting there trying to keep my jaw from hanging open and running for the nearest exit. I feel like an asshole for saying that, but that's exactly how I was feeling. I was thinking in my head "I'm only 21, I'm so not ready to be dating someone with a kid."

Which brings me to my dilemma. How do I let her down easily without hurting her feelings? She is a nice girl, but I think she's looking for something more serious than what I can give her right now, and I'm just not at all comfortable knowing she has a kid.

If I knew dating was going to be this stressful I would have avoided the whole situation altogether.

Holy Hot Girls on Skates Batman!

Tune Wedgie of the Day: "It Won't Be Long" By Evan Rachel Wood (Soundtrack for Across the Universe[I know, I know a cover of the Beatles can never best the original, but this is the one stuck in my head right now.])

I'm sorry my dear blog, I know I've been away for far too long, but I've been such a busy girl. Do you forgive me? Of course you do, because no one can resist the puppy dog eyes.

Tonight I took a bite out of my busy schedule of class and work, and homework, to go see "Whip-It" at the theater tonight. I have one word to say....AWESOMENESS! Ellen Page was of course hot and adorable as usual. And as young as she looks I'm eternally grateful to know via IMDB.com that she is in fact older than I am, giving me complete and total permission to drool and fantasize and dream.

In other news, I actually had I date tonight, which is why I was out late even though I have to work early tomorrow.

Wait.

Rewind.

Play.

Yes, I just said that, I had a date. Technically, I guess it would be a second date. It's kind of weird to say "I went on a date." I don't date. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that things haven't worked out for me like that. Usually, it's getting drunk at a party, meeting a girl, making out....heavily, throw in some groping, and I go home, forget about most of it the next morning and do it all again at the next party. Though, to be completely honest it's been way too long since I've even done that. 3 years of thinking you're in love with someone halfway across the country will do that to a girl. Thank the almighty sock puppet in the sky I finally came to my senses.

Dating is definitely an interesting experience. The girl I went out with is nice, we'll go out again the next time we can get our schedules to match up since we're both really busy with school and work. I'm just not used to having such thought clarity when I'm "dating" someone. Making out with drunk girls was just that, making out and having fun while not always having good judgment, but not really caring. I blame the alcohol, and the teenage rebellion, that's a powerful concoction.

Being in love also completely impairs your judgment as well. I didn't realize how blind I was until I finally let go. Seriously, love is worse than alcohol. I stuck a lid on that bottle and put it in the very, very back of my closet shelf with absolutely no intention of touching it for a long time.

Which brings me back to Date Girl. We get along well, we're a lot alike and probably have a lot in common, she even gets my sense of humor. But I think what I like the most, is that we're both going to move on after this. One day she's going to be a faint memory of someone I dated for a little bit while I was in college, and I think that means more to me than any head over heels, blindly in love relationship could ever be.

Unlike the typical lesbian stereo-type, I'm not a Uhauler. I don't confess undying love on the second date, I don't even confess like, just interest. I want to enjoy the moment. I don't want the burden of a future or a past. Just the now. And I'm going to carry it to wherever it leads me.

Relationships and Happiness

Earlier this evening I had a friend ask me why I've only ever had one relationship, well, the closest thing I've ever come to a relationship, and honestly I hadn't given it too much thought. So it got me thinking, why haven't I had more relationships? The only answer I could come up with is that I don't feel the need to be in a relationship constantly. I watch the people around me fight with their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives and constantly jump from one relationship to another without even taking a breath and the only thing I can think is, I don't want that for me.

I'm too much of an independent person to want to rely on someone else to make me feel better about myself. I allowed myself once to depend on someone to be the cause of happiness in me, but after that relationship quite honestly tanked, I realized, I don't need someone to make me happy. I can be my own happiness, and in essence that makes me a much better person. Besides, if and when I decide it's time for another relationship, said relationship will be that much stronger because it's not constantly trying to carry the burden of making two people happy. A relationship should only add to a person's happiness, not support it.

I also saw that using a relationship as a crutch for happiness is highly unstable, leaving both members of the relationship prone to drastic mood swings. And one thing I strongly dislike, is the constant roller coaster of emotion a relationship can have on a person. It's just not for me, I need stability above all else.

Sure, I may miss some of the things about being in a relationship from time to time, like having someone to talk to about your day, but is that absolutely necessary for my own happiness? Nope. What is necessary for me to be happy is being able to stand back and look at where I am at in my life and say, "Yeah, this is where I want to be, no worries and no regrets."

And for the first time in a very long time, I was finally able to do that. I'll never forget the feeling of relief that washed over me. I felt the weight of years of stress and worry fall off my shoulders. To finally let go of the regrets I had over the mistakes I have made was so incredibly liberating. It was also a lesson very well learned.